How To Help A Grieving Friend | The Definitive Guide
Fielding Archer’s IG feed - Wilmington, NC
Did you know that Halloween is tough for some grievers? I know - it’s not something you think of - probably not until you are put in that position. Think about it if you are with someone who has recently had a loss and everyone is talking about cemeteries and spirits.
How can you help someone who is grieving? Your friend’s identity may have been partly formed by her relationship to the person who died. She has to re-construct her identity. This is hard and painful work.
I am talking today about how to help your friends or family who are grieving the loss of a loved one. What should you do? What should you say? I get these questions a lot, because I am willing to go there. So here we go.
Jinny Khanduja’s IG Feed - Marin County
Early grief is both physically and mentally exhausting, and in the first months of grief, a grieving person cannot always…
read much, especially if it doesn’t pertain to their loss
listen to music, especially with lyrics
drive a car
remember things, places or people’s names
abide small talk
stop talking about their loss or talk about their loss at all
have the energy to get dressed and go anywhere unnecessary
stop sleeping or sleep at all
handle routine chores without becoming overwhelmed
Jinny Khanduja - U Street NYC
Here’s the definitive list of do’s and don’ts with supporting info & additional resources…
This list is a compilation from several different sources - Emotionally Naked, Refuge In Grief, my grief counselor extraordinaire - Jill Fitzgerald, LCSW, Christina Rasmussen, and a bevy of articles and books about grief (listed below)
The most important thing you can do is give him the gift of your presence. For the long haul. Don’t give up. When everyone else has gotten tired of being there, but things are still hard. Don’t be embarrassed to let him cry with you. Don’t forget your friend. He will never get over it. The truth is, witnessing the suffering of others might flay you wide open - it’s hard. But that’s where empathy comes from.
Do not use empty phrases and cliches - such as “he would’ve wanted you to be happy”, “God only gives you what you can handle”, “time heals all wounds”- it doesn’t, “everything happens for a reason”-it doesn’t, “life is for the living” and “she’s in a better place”….etc etc. Never start a sentence with “at least”…. These sayings are meant to minimize the person’s loss. Why would you do that?
Do acknowledge her loss and that it is just as bad as she thinks it is. You can’t fix it. Do say things like “I care”, “I am here for you”, “I am so sorry - this is not fair”, “you don’t deserve this pain - I wish I could take it from you” or “I’m thinking of you”. Don’t tell her that “it will only make you stronger”, “he would want you to ______” or that “you will grow from this tragedy”. No one wants to hear that their loved one had to die for them to achieve personal growth.
Jinny Khanduja - Greenwich, NY
Do not push your religious views on your friend. Please don’t announce that it was God’s will or that it is a blessing, or that “God works in mysterious ways”. Now is not the time to proselytize about your own faith. Faith and mourning are not mutually exclusive and grief is not indicative of a lack of faith. Judging a person’s level of faith by their depth of grief, is cruel.
Do talk about the lost person. Listen to the story over and over again, if necessary. Do ask him questions, allowing him to talk about it. Be one of the people that listens 80% of the time and talk 20% of the time.
Do not talk about your own losses, especially early on. I know you want them to feel like they are not alone, but let this loss be the unique loss that it is. You want them to know that you understand. But you don’t - you can’t. Don’t say “I know how you feel.” Resist the urge to share your own grief stories (unless they ask), or relate similar death stories (I know it is hard not to.) And don’t fact check or correct - their timeline might be all messed up, but it’s ok. You could ask them if they want to know what you did in a similar situation that helped you, but not early on.
From IG
Do show up. Don’t try to fix. Don’t disappear or go silent - this compounds this loneliness. He’s lost his person, and now he will have lost his friends, if they are scared to say the wrong thing. Just show up.
Do write her a note or a card that she can read over and over. I have piles of them. And the later sent the better. I received them for years. I still get them from people I don’t know all that well. They mean even more, as they are not expected.
Do not compare losses. No two deaths are ever mourned the same way. Don’t judge which loss is worse. (This can be hard also.) Let them own their experience. The grief belongs to the griever and your opinions are irrelevant.
Taken by me
Do remember him on anniversaries and birthdays and death days. (I write them in my birthday book with all the other birthdays.) I have an old friend who sent me an email on the 20th of each month for years. I will never forget that. The holidays will now always be hard, as well as Mothers and Fathers days for bereaved parents.
Do Not be a cheerleader. When things are dark, it’s ok for them to be dark. Don’t encourage them to have gratitude for other good things that still exist (“at least”). Good things and horrible things can exist together and goodness doesn’t cancel the other out. *Note - telling a parent who has lost more than you can ever imagine, to be thankful, is like slapping her in the face instead of hugging her. Don’t do it. I have read this quote before - “Before you tell a grieving parent to be grateful for the children they still have, think about which one of yours you could live without.” Enough said.
Do plant something for the lost loved one. I had friends plant a tree of my choice in my yard, with an engraved rock at it’s base. They let me pick the tree and the quote. It was wonderful.
Taken by Gay King - Mathews, VA
Do not talk about “having closure” or “getting over it or through it”. That will never happen. She will just carry it with her and it has to be incorporated into her life. Don’t talk about what she can do, or will happen later - right now, in the present, that is irrelevant. You can say, however, that “no feeling is ever final”.
Do give them a journal, if someone else hasn’t already done so, and encourage them to write. Any grief therapist will tell you that it is good for them. I received an empty journal and pen from another bereaved mom. I wrote in it for at least 18 months.
Taken by Megan Williams - Fishersville, VA
Do not try to hurry him through his grief. Grief work takes time and patience and cannot be done on a fixed schedule.
Do tell them how important they are to you. And to everyone else. Sometimes mourners feel like their live is not worth living after a death. Especially an out-of-order death.
Do remember that the joy of others can be very painful for her - even if she is too polite to say it. She will show up with a smile and a gift. Sometimes the most joyful times in the year, or in a family, are the very hardest times for her.
Julie Zickafoose - Ohio
Remember this - sometimes you can do everything right, and you can still feel like you’re not helping or they don’t seem to be responding to your help. The reality is defined by the receiver of the attention, not by the person giving the attention. Just try to check in with them and be of support and don’t take it personally. The very best thing you can give is your steadiness and presence. She still loves you, even when her life has gone completely dark, in a way that you may never understand.
Taken by Whitten - train to Brooklyn - 2012
My Best Books & Posts About Grief to recommend…
My blog post about Grief Myths & Lessons Learned or any of my blog posts about grief…
Early On…
Healing After Loss - Martha Hickman - very good for right away - a saying and thought for each calendar day
A Time To Grieve - Carol Staudacher - A similar book with a page per thought and quote
How To Help a friend…
Healing A Friend’s Grieving Heart - Alan Wolfelt, PHD - 100 practical ideas for helping someone you love through loss
Taken by Amy Crockett
For Bereaved Parents…
The Bereaved Parent - Harriet Schiff - an essential guide to help parents cope with the death of a child
Beyond Tears - Ellen Mitchell - written by bereaved mothers - excellent, and a great help to me
The Grieving Garden - Redfern & Gilbert - 22 parents share their stories - like a portable support group
Best All Around For Grief
It’s Ok That You’re Not OK - Megan Devine - meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand - THE BEST OF THE BUNCH - very healing for me
for survivors of suicide…
Grieving A Suicide - Albert Hsu - helping you through the shock and trauma and all the heartrending questions
No Time To Say Goodbye - Carla Fine - spoken frankly and with compassion, she offers hope and comfort, she talks about predictable adjustments
After Suicide - Eleanora Ross - a ray of hope for those left behind - understanding and advice - tons of listings in the back for helpful people, places and things
Finding Your Way after the Suicide of Someone You Love - Biebel & Foster - this is written from a Christian perspective and by a minister and a therapist
Understanding Your Suicide Grief - Alan Wolfelt, PHD - Almost like a workbook, really helpful to me - there is a journal that goes with it
Whitten’s IG feed - Fall 2012
Help With Violent Death
Healing Your Traumatized Heart - Alan Wolfelt, PHD - practical ideas for survivors of sudden or violent death
What Doesn’t Kill Us - Stephen Joseph, PHD - the new psychology of post-traumatic growth and survival
Later on in the process
Grieving Mindfully - Sameet Kumar, PHD - an great guide by a practicing Buddhist, for after your friend has come to terms, more or less, with their loss and is trying to cope with it - includes mindfulness practices
Transcending Loss - Ashley Davis, LCSW - understanding what this means for your life and how to make it meaningful
Grief During The Holidays
A Decembered Grief - Harold Smith - about living with loss while others are celebrating - really good and helpful for me - I still read it sometimes at Christmas
Taken by me