Grief During The Holidays

Grief is hard any time of year, but particularly brutal during the holidays. What can you do for others to help them? Let’s talk about it a little bit and I have some support tips for you and/or yours.

Sometimes grief steals Christmas from people for awhile. Grieving people have a hard time finding holiday cheer. In fact, the holidays make it extra hard for anyone with losses like death or divorce. Grieving people would love your help and support over the holidays. Some of them are just living for January 2. Here are some ways you can help them.

Remember, there is no right way or wrong way for someone to do the holidays - reach out and connect, even if you feel awkward. You don’t have to be perfect, just be present.

Holiday Grief Support Tips…

Understand that it’s ok for a person to be sad, even during the holidays. Sadness is healthier than ignoring your feelings. Telling someone that their person wouldn’t want them to be sad, or constantly trying to cheer them up, only tells them that they can’t be honest with you about their feelings.
Let the grieving person lead. You might think that they can’t be alone over the holidays, but maybe they just want to be alone. If you’re concerned about them being alone, ask them about it and go from there. Include them in your plans and accept their answer. You might feel disappointed if they won’t join in, but you don’t get to force them to say yes.
Don’t criticize how they’re handling the holidays. Unsolicited advice feels really bad to a grieving person. The holidays are already hard enough without judging how festive they are.
Telling them to be grateful isn’t helpful. Meet them where they are.
Share memories about their person. Say Their Name! Raise a glass to toast and acknowledge who is missing.
Don’t forget people who have loved ones in hospice. Check on them too.

The holiday season hurts for many. It can add more pain to people already bearing more than they can. That’s just reality. They can’t help but be soaking up all this relentless glitter, tinsel, lights, food, music and seemingly happy families. These last two months of the year can add another layer to grief.

It may seem extra hard for us as women - “you are the Christmas Magicians - responsible for transforming your families’ everyday lives into a beautiful festival. No matter how busy you are, you bear the burden of pulling a magical celebration out of the hat, year after year.” …from “Unplug The Christmas Machine”

If that describes you, there are ways to make things easier on yourself. Remember that whatever you decide to do or not do, stay true to you. Don’t do things because you think others want you to. It’s a recipe for misery - trust me on that. Life is too short to play pretend.

Ideas For The Griever…

Say no - a lot if needed! If you don’t feel like going, or you will see someone that you can’t bear to see - don’t go! It may make you feel more in control.
Travel - go somewhere new. Let go of your usual traditions and your expectations. Go to the beach instead of the mountains. Stay in bed all day. Choose your way for the holidays and don’t feel guilty about letting anyone down. This is your life.
Speak the truth every day. Don’t “hold it in” because it’s the holidays. Let it out when you need to. If you need to scream, do it!
Enjoy small moments. Give yourself grace. Say a prayer for yourself.
Comparison really is the thief of joy. Try not to compare your holiday to everyone elses (I know, easier said than done) and also, try not to compare it to perfect Christmases you may have had in the past.
Let go of perfection. It’s very hard for many of us, but I think it may be getting easier, for me, the older I get.
Make some ornament or decoration that symbolizes your person. Toast your loved one. Decorate the cemetery plot or urn.
Get out in nature. Take a walk, work in the garden. Sit in the sunshine for just 10 minutes.
Volunteer or help a friend. This is also a reason to attend family obligations that you’re just not up to yet.
Have an exit plan for holiday parties. Give yourself a time limit, or a cue to leave if you need to. Stop whenever you want and go home whenever you want, even if you just arrived.
Spend quiet time with friends. Find ways to go to quiet things - alone - with others.
Connect with other grieving people. Grief is a lonely experience. Companionship and connection are vital to surviving.
Aim for peace, rather than holiday joy. Check in with yourself to see how you are doing. Say “I love you” to yourself in the mirror, in the morning. Smile at yourself. Look at all you’ve gotten yourself through.
Don’t feel like you have to buy gifts for everyone you’ve always bought gifts for. Don’t be trapped in fake politeness - it’s not great anytime, but especially after loss. Free yourself from this expectation.
You can ignore the holidays. Remember it’s just 2 weeks of crazy and you have survived much worse. You can do this.

Taken by Whitten - Va Beach - December 2005

I am thinking of any of you who are carrying this burden right now. My thoughts are with you - for who and what you have lost and for what you carry forward. Peace through the holidays and beyond into 2023. ❤️